The Crack

I've come through many hard trials
Through temptations on every hand
Though Satan's tried to stop me
And to place my feet on sinking sand
Through the pain and all of my sorrows
Through tears and all ofmy fears
The Lord was there to keep me
For He's kept me in the midst of it all

Feb 9 2005

11:26pm

How do I feel?
I’m typing this because my handwriting has turned to shit. These are going to be some random thoughts that are in my head, only because I don’t feel like writing grammatically correct. Anyway I feel isolated. Set apart from everyone else, people are around me but are not committed to me. When I say committed, committed to me.. to my thoughts, feelings, actions both positive or negative. There isn’t anybody there. Nobody, but everyone is around saying one thing or another. Today I felt as if both my mother and father were dead. But in actuality they are both very much alive. But I lost my daddy to an illness that doesn’t allow him to remember that I ever existed. My mother, I lost to her own twisted, demented, self-loathing. She is so not happy and never one to be satisfied. No matter how hard I try to please her, it is a wasted battle. I don’t have the desire anymore to try. Why? She’s not going to change. She is who she is, so in order for me to keep any level of sanity of my own…I separate myself from that part of her personality. I guess this whole isolation thing is something that I caused to manifest. The dumbest thing is that I think I am something like her. I’m not happy with myself, not with where I am at this time in my left. I have no stability whatsoever. I am currently dependent on the support financially of my parents. It’s just so pitiful, pitiful of me being me. I can change it though; I’m no stranger to struggle. Not to struggle in the sense of down to nothing, but sure to sacrifice. Now I just understand that it will be taken up a notch (er, six). Furthermore, I know that it will be temporary. It won’t always be this way. But for now, I will have to do what I can to survive. Survive without her support because, if I ask… there will be a price. There is no value in kissing her ass for all of eternity just so she will have some validity that she is a wonderful mother when she isn’t. A thought came to me today that every time I tried to come to her with an issue that was on my heart, the only way she knew how to handle it was with a nerve pill, or some type of medication. Where does she get these? When Ben and I had our falling out, and he broke my heart…she handed me a nerve pill…When I got fired from my job…she handed me a nerve pill. That’s just sick. I’m over here having an emotional breakdown and all she can do, is provide medication. Then when she finally does talk…she talks about herself… oh, and the standard “I love you, and God loves you”…okay yeah, but what about listening to me? Today there was no self-esteem left in me. Today I just didn’t care. I just thought and pray to God what are you going to do? You said that you would be a light unto my feet. And that the steps of a righteous man availed much, I am righteous because you made me righteous so I can boldly come to you as ask, What are you going to do? This is a burden and you said that you would carry them. You got some bills to pay, some minds to renew, some hearts to mend, and some impossibles to make possible. Baby girl has just cast her cares upon you so now what? Today, I needed a husband. One that would just sit with me and hold me in his arms and lay my head on his chest so that I could cry. God is the lover of my soul; I know he’s got that covered. But just for a minute I wanted to be held and rocked… told that everything was going to be okay. I didn’t want him to fix anything, I didn’t want him to protect my honor, I didn’t want any of that…cause when it comes to matters of family…there really isn’t anything he could have done, but just let me curl up in his arms and let me cry. That’s what I wanted, just for that moment. I might be wrong in wanting that but that’s just a connection I wanted.