ALL OF THIS...

Ive been thinking about this all weekend.

I was sitting in the nail shop for the first time in about three years. The guy is doing a really good job on my nails and I'm getting ready to pay him and all of a sudden I think : Do I really want to take on this responsibility again? Every two weeks to get a fill and something cute. I can afford it now, and I will forever be grateful for that, but who is really looking at my nails? Who is around to appreciate the time I take to make myself into this fly woman, this fly diva, that I want everybody to like. I shudder to think of all the pointless things that I do to adorn myself. It started to make me sick. It made me sick when I did all that I could do and nobody cared to even notice.

I remember I went to a birthday party for a dear friend of mine. I was to win the cutie award fo' sho! Head to toe gorgeous. I knew it and felt it all at the same time. All that deflated when I learned that this mutual friend of ours was married. Why you ask? because this chick looked as if it was constantly finals week. (Finals week was the time you really didn't care about appearance, you were always cramming, malnourished and lacked sleep.) That was the first time I thought of all this.... and for what??? What was it that was actually marriage material? Not that ole girl wasn't a sweet person and all but damn. I had to get some self esteem from the reserve before I went home...alone.

I take the time to pamper myself, not because it helps me feel good about myself, but because I want HIM to appreciate it.

I spend money month to keep a hair style tight...and for what? so that HE will notice me.

I don't know who HE is , what He is all about, what HE looks like, and still HE is present on my mind.

On my way home from the nail salon I talked to one of my guy friends whose intellect I admire; and I think its rather sexy. He tells me that I have to go continue this because like any good girl scout I gotta be prepared. I told him that I clean up well, and that if there was an event that I was going to that this whole nail & hair thing would produce a splendid performance. I was just jaded about doing all of this for any other garden-variety day. He tells me that because ole boy isn't in NC, I would prolly feel different (I called him later and he said he didn't care one way or the other...that's another blog altogether). This whole pampering thing is a necessary evil. He says that I'm doing it all for nobody, but somebody at the same time. I hate it when he makes sense in the most nonsensical terms.