The Break

The agony of being alone
The fear of doing things on my own
The tests and trials that come to make me strong
The feelings of guilt, hurt, shame and defeat
The waves of trials that beat upon me
But to know Lord, in You I've got victory.

The Break

May 12, 2006

1:10pm


This is crazy. I can’t get a flippin’ job in the mall??? The place where I spent 5 years of my undergraduate experience, where now I’m too over flippin’ qualified. I can’t get a flippin’ job? I feel pressure in my chest. I can’t breathe. I know I did a fabulous interview. Why did she play me? “Fill this application out and give it back to me soon”, she says. I give it back to her the same day including a stellar resume. Why did she act as if she needed someone right now quick, fast and in a hurry only to stop and say I’m not hired? Does she know how much she just crushed me? This was only supposed to be temporary. After two years of the same thing, I can’t go through another interview anymore. I can’t tell my whole experience to someone that doesn’t care. I can’t hear a fake apology anymore. After two years, I can’t explain what I have been doing for survival. I’m tired of feeling of inadequate after that particular question. I don’t want to hear any form of NO anymore. I’m desperate. I just need some money to pay rent and my car. This time I learned how to budget. I can get by on Oodles of Noodles and PB&J; I don’t need to get any new clothes, I’ll do my own hair; I’ll let it grow. I know that the mall job isn’t going to be enough, but it will be some validation. The mall job is the validation that is needed to know that I can accomplish something. Anything. I know how much I’m trying, but everything that I do I fail. I see the look on my family’s faces when I come around, whether its real or imaginary I know that I’m keeping them from doing something because it seems as if I’m the noose around their neck. I’m no good to anyone, not even to myself. This should be just the end of me. Then, at least I know that everyone else is okay. I give up. I don’t want to go on. All these promises that God has given me are not manifesting itself in my life. I repent! I didn’t do all that you wanted me to do. I didn’t have an attitude of gratitude. Anger, regret, and bitterness harnessed their way into my heart and I’m sorry! I know you didn’t bring me this far to just leave me here on the floor thrashing and crying. All the “you said’s!” are coming back into my memory and are spewing towards the ceiling. Every scripture that I have learned of restoration and faith are pouring out with every tear I cry out to you Lord. I want to die so bad, but I know if God doesn’t do it then it won’t be done. This time I’ll listen! This time where you tell me to go I’ll go, just speak to me one more time. Give me a chance to believe in myself again.
So, just bless me or let me die.