Married but Looking

Whats the difference between a hoe and a bitch?

A hoe fucks everybody, a bitch fucks everybody but you. ~Fear of a Black Hat.

Crazy Dudes must BEWARE...if you do -ish to mess with me you will get blogged about. Almost all of it is blog worthy. Case in point:

Making friends in a new city is kinda tough, especially when you are over 30. Imagine walking up to someone asking them "Will you be my friend?" then racing to the sandbox. It doesn't work that way. Furthermore, its not the same as going through the thick and thicker with someone and seeing them at their worst. Things like that make friendships develop into something more than a reason and a season.

There was this guy that I met that seemed to be cool. He was an educator and we really had some good conversations. In one of our conversations I found out he was a married man that didn't wear a ring. He gave me some round about reason on how it got lost and the only thing that I could think was "Damn, if I was his wife I would be really pissed." None of this fazed him in the slightest. He was very upfront about how he was happily married with two small children. I took a page from Steve Harvey (a book I never read, just listened to his radio show) and set boundaries quickly so that there wouldn't be any confusion. In the effort to be real clear I told him exactly what I wanted in him as a friend.

1. I wanted to be introduced to other friends both male and female.

2. I wanted more conversations like we were having both captivating and stimulating.

3. If needed, a possible ride to airport.

4. A dinner companion.

Nothing really too demanding just enough to satisfy male/female interaction. Notice no sex was going to be involved. Purely platonic. This was going to be a challenge for me because I haven't had a friend like this since Jason in college. He was great, and my prototype for a mature friendship.

Dude couldn't handle it, by the fourth month he was trying to make his move into the panties. I told him over and over again that he was in violation of the "contract." No longer was it understood that sex would not be involved between us. I told him that I could show him better than I could tell him. It made our interactions very uncomfortable. Each time he would try, I would say no. When he would call past midnight I would not answer the phone. I actually set his ring tone to "If your girl only knew" by Aaliyah. He started to take it personally as if I was rejecting him. I was attracted to him, but not with his marital status. He was off limits.

I'm not totally innocent either. One of the guys that he introduced me to was waaaay incredibly sexy...I couldn't/didn't resist, so when the opportunity presented itself I sprang into action. This guy was single and was getting ready to move to another city. One time...that's all I needed. I'm sure he told of the escapade. Dudes talk like that. They love gossip just like women.

Anyway, he came over one night and everything started as pleasant conversation and I was elated because this is how it was in the beginning. I must have thought that too soon because as the time ticked on he started to make his move again into the panties. This moved us into another conversation where in essence he thought I was full of shit for having some damn standards. He started coming at me with the bullshit of his own insecurities. That if he lied to me and tried to run some game the whole situation would be different. I told him all this was because he was MARRIED! nothing more, nothing less. I would hate to be the woman on the other side of infidelity and damn I'm not going to play the bytch on the side. What good is that??? How many times has he told me that he's happily married? Why would any woman want to mess that up? He doesn't understand me and I don't understand why he doesn't understand me. He thought he was going to be my "dick under glass." He thought he was going to be the one where in case of emergency of extream horniness, that he would be the first one I call. I believe there is enough single Mr. Right-Now to go around if I wanted one. Why do I have to be full of shit because I know my value and respect the institute of marriage? I involuntarily played that game in my twenties...and when you are grown and know better you tend to try to do better. That's one thing I know for sure.

He ended up telling me that he's going to fall back. He made the effort to have a platonic friend, but he couldn't do it because he was a promiscuous person. That's how he's been before and after marriage. He wasn't going to change that and he no longer was interested in putting me in a precarious situation. I still think that he thinks that I'm full of it...it could be because of his homeboy and I and I got my eye on another. :)

Random Thoughts on a Recycled Dick

He's a clusterfuck of words, deeds and actions. I like using that word particularly because of its suffix.

I am a bunch of wound up emotions, ready to burst or be buried. I try to not let the past "relationships" ruin current "relationships" but what happens when the past is the current? We have come full circle, and now at a stand still. I just want two stories to be the same, if not then what is the truth? If I can't figure out the truth then where is the trust? If there is no trust, is it really love?

Why must you ask me to pray for you and sometimes for us, when you can't see the blessing come to harvest before your eyes? When the instructions for divine direction is manifested and you blatently dismiss them, I feel as if my prayer is in vain. I already have a hard enough time dealing with my own obedience with God. You just messed it up for everyone. LOL, I laugh but my heart hurts because of it.

Cons~
Smokes
No Swag
Inconsistent
lies (?)

Pros ~
He loves me beyond my insecurities

Short list for now, but I'm sure both sides will grow. The "loves me beyond my insecurities" is big in my world. Its big because I got a lot of them, and it really doesn't bother him. I don't know of any other man that would still be around when I flip out or shrink into myself, so I'm free to be Sheletha. He loves me in spite of that. I'm trying to get him to listen to me and hear what I say because those insecurities are always present somewhere in my conversation, even when I try to suppress it. It could be fear, loneliness, failure, being unworthy or not good enough. I'm so used to being **** then left alone, I'm not sure how to handle myself in a grown up "relationship." Yet, he works with me on that.

If only...

"Night, you take care of you"
If that isn't the most passive aggressive statement of the universe I don't know what is. It implies more that what is actually being said, and I HATE IT!!! It wouldn't be so bad if it was said at the end of every conversation as we bid adieu. However, it's said at the end of an altercation, situation or fight. So what? are you giving up on me? I never know what it means.

Where do I draw the line? Is this another situation where I hang in there long after I should? Is it going to take me another five years to figure out that this may not be for me?

I am consistent in my beliefs and passions to a great extent. But I really don't believe that I'm oh so predictable. Does that even make sense? In my head it does.

If you are going to bring up old $hit, make sure that it is relevant to current events. "I don't want to see that Notre Dame shirt and khakis" refers to us having our relatively first night on the town. "You smell" refers to cigarette smoke and liquor. If you have been moving for the past two days neither one of those comments that I made in the past apply. Try again with a different point and comeback. I know I sure will.

"I'm not going to put in the effort to nurture a relationship"

Ahhh, I see clearly now. All these months rekindling something that would never come to fruition. I understand now. Maybe you were right all those years ago. All these months when you were looking at me crazily when I came through as being supportive, selfless, your sounding board, your flippin bank saving you from any additional financial hardships even when I was trying to keep my own at bay. I was the only one in the "relationship." I was the only one that thought that this was going to be for the long run. I was the only one thinking that there would be a return on the investment.

Every storm that you are going through right now is because you are too lazy. It could be as trivial as growing facial hair (every black man besides Maxwell needs facial hair) or major like quitting smoking. Don't tell me that you are weaning yourself away from it when you smoke just as much as you did two months ago. Thats a cop-out. You go to the doctor to get checked up and you still have food with your salt. You told her that she got you both into this mess with a mortgage it will be her that will get you out. But when she starts bustin a move, you get all bent out of shape because you ain't ready. Ya just lazy! I don't need a lazy lover anyway.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be more supporting when she cleaned you out of your home. I knew it was coming (I've been through this part before), I told you to look out (any woman would believe that she has a right to everything and will show no mercy), I gave you enough warning (you thought you knew women better than I did). It didn't come when we both initially thought but eventually it did. I didn't say "I told you so," but it was evident that you didn't believe me. You didn't have to go through that, but yet you didn't do anything to stop it.

Silly of me to think that I truly mattered. It's clear to me that you are resting on the laurels of fate, rather than pursuing a good thing. I mean actually trying, actually giving a fuck. But that's okay, you have fooled me enough times to know that that I'm through with the boolshyt. I love you enough to let go. I know you are not going to be stuck in your situation for very long, I can see you already rising above it. I regret that I won't be around to visit you in the Promised Land of Redemption.

No, we can't be friends. I don't need anymore friends. I thought you were different, I thought you would eventually would be my husband. When those thoughts are already set why settle for less? When I actually put these words to paper (err, web) the cons already out weighed the pros so why should I stick around?