Random Thoughts on a Recycled Dick

He's a clusterfuck of words, deeds and actions. I like using that word particularly because of its suffix.

I am a bunch of wound up emotions, ready to burst or be buried. I try to not let the past "relationships" ruin current "relationships" but what happens when the past is the current? We have come full circle, and now at a stand still. I just want two stories to be the same, if not then what is the truth? If I can't figure out the truth then where is the trust? If there is no trust, is it really love?

Why must you ask me to pray for you and sometimes for us, when you can't see the blessing come to harvest before your eyes? When the instructions for divine direction is manifested and you blatently dismiss them, I feel as if my prayer is in vain. I already have a hard enough time dealing with my own obedience with God. You just messed it up for everyone. LOL, I laugh but my heart hurts because of it.

Cons~
Smokes
No Swag
Inconsistent
lies (?)

Pros ~
He loves me beyond my insecurities

Short list for now, but I'm sure both sides will grow. The "loves me beyond my insecurities" is big in my world. Its big because I got a lot of them, and it really doesn't bother him. I don't know of any other man that would still be around when I flip out or shrink into myself, so I'm free to be Sheletha. He loves me in spite of that. I'm trying to get him to listen to me and hear what I say because those insecurities are always present somewhere in my conversation, even when I try to suppress it. It could be fear, loneliness, failure, being unworthy or not good enough. I'm so used to being **** then left alone, I'm not sure how to handle myself in a grown up "relationship." Yet, he works with me on that.

If only...

"Night, you take care of you"
If that isn't the most passive aggressive statement of the universe I don't know what is. It implies more that what is actually being said, and I HATE IT!!! It wouldn't be so bad if it was said at the end of every conversation as we bid adieu. However, it's said at the end of an altercation, situation or fight. So what? are you giving up on me? I never know what it means.

Where do I draw the line? Is this another situation where I hang in there long after I should? Is it going to take me another five years to figure out that this may not be for me?

I am consistent in my beliefs and passions to a great extent. But I really don't believe that I'm oh so predictable. Does that even make sense? In my head it does.

If you are going to bring up old $hit, make sure that it is relevant to current events. "I don't want to see that Notre Dame shirt and khakis" refers to us having our relatively first night on the town. "You smell" refers to cigarette smoke and liquor. If you have been moving for the past two days neither one of those comments that I made in the past apply. Try again with a different point and comeback. I know I sure will.

"I'm not going to put in the effort to nurture a relationship"

Ahhh, I see clearly now. All these months rekindling something that would never come to fruition. I understand now. Maybe you were right all those years ago. All these months when you were looking at me crazily when I came through as being supportive, selfless, your sounding board, your flippin bank saving you from any additional financial hardships even when I was trying to keep my own at bay. I was the only one in the "relationship." I was the only one that thought that this was going to be for the long run. I was the only one thinking that there would be a return on the investment.

Every storm that you are going through right now is because you are too lazy. It could be as trivial as growing facial hair (every black man besides Maxwell needs facial hair) or major like quitting smoking. Don't tell me that you are weaning yourself away from it when you smoke just as much as you did two months ago. Thats a cop-out. You go to the doctor to get checked up and you still have food with your salt. You told her that she got you both into this mess with a mortgage it will be her that will get you out. But when she starts bustin a move, you get all bent out of shape because you ain't ready. Ya just lazy! I don't need a lazy lover anyway.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be more supporting when she cleaned you out of your home. I knew it was coming (I've been through this part before), I told you to look out (any woman would believe that she has a right to everything and will show no mercy), I gave you enough warning (you thought you knew women better than I did). It didn't come when we both initially thought but eventually it did. I didn't say "I told you so," but it was evident that you didn't believe me. You didn't have to go through that, but yet you didn't do anything to stop it.

Silly of me to think that I truly mattered. It's clear to me that you are resting on the laurels of fate, rather than pursuing a good thing. I mean actually trying, actually giving a fuck. But that's okay, you have fooled me enough times to know that that I'm through with the boolshyt. I love you enough to let go. I know you are not going to be stuck in your situation for very long, I can see you already rising above it. I regret that I won't be around to visit you in the Promised Land of Redemption.

No, we can't be friends. I don't need anymore friends. I thought you were different, I thought you would eventually would be my husband. When those thoughts are already set why settle for less? When I actually put these words to paper (err, web) the cons already out weighed the pros so why should I stick around?